Attached with Attitudes
by digitalfletch
Summary: Jean-Luc's and Beverly's thoughts during the latter part of the episode 'Attached.'
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: All of the scenes and dialogue herein were written by Nicholas Sagan, except for the short scene in the transporter room that I added. The snippet of verse is from the poem "Leap Before You Look", written in December 1940, copyright Random House, Inc.

* * *

Jean-Luc Picard looked up at his companion from his seat by the fire. The strength of the mental link between them was growing after their enforced day together on Kesprytt III, and although he couldn't perceive most of her thoughts distinctly her emotions were coming through loud and clear. "No luck?"

_No, nothing._ Beverly Crusher sighed and shut down her tricorder. _I'm tired, hungry, and frustrated. And hungry._ "I'm beginning to think there's not a single thing on this planet we can eat." She positioned herself on a rock next to the fire Jean-Luc had started and drew her long legs up beneath her.

_She could use some reassurance. As could I. _"Well, by this time tomorrow we could be back on the _Enterprise_ and you can plant yourself in front of a replicator with a knife and fork."

_Sounds perfect. I could eat just about anything right now._ "Remember that Vulcan dish I promised you for breakfast? Well I was just…" She stopped short as for a moment his thoughts appeared clearly in her mind. _What? Jean-Luc, I didn't know…why didn't you ever say?_ "You hate having breakfast with me." _I'm sorry._ She felt disappointment and hurt rising within her and struggled to contain her reaction.

_No!_ He could feel her distress keenly and rushed to clarify himself. "That's not true."

"Yes, it is. When I said breakfast, I heard you say, I hate that."

_Perhaps I did, but_ –"That's not quite what I meant."

_No? It seemed pretty clear to me._ "Well, then what did you mean?" she asked, unable to keep the snarkiness out of her voice.

"It's just that I don't like…"

_Oh._ The light dawned. "What I've been choosing for breakfast recently."

_Yes_. "You see, I think that breakfast should be a simple meal and recently you've been ordering these elaborate things." _Too elaborate. All I really need to start the day is caffeine and a croissant or two._

Once again she could hear his thoughts as plainly as if he'd spoken aloud. "Coffee and croissants, that's all you really want, isn't it? Coffee and croissants. Well, why didn't you just say so?"

"I didn't think it was important."

_Well, it would have saved us both a lot of trouble,_ Beverly thought, reflexively remembering to catch herself before saying the acerbic words aloud.

But he caught the gist of her feelings. "You don't like those elaborate meals either."

"No, I usually prefer something simple myself but I thought you might enjoy more variety. Well, I guess its coffee and croissants for both of us from now on."

They shared a contented look and then lapsed into silence, both staring into the fire that popped and crackled before them. Jean-Luc reached for a loose stick and absently stirred the flames.

_So beautiful…_

_Relaxing…_

"I love firelight," they said together, then smiled at the mingling of their thoughts and words.

After a moment Jean-Luc quietly continued, "There's something about the flame, the smell of the smoke. It's always seemed to me to be…" he groped for the right word, "intoxicating, somehow."

_Yes, it is._ Beverly nodded. _And it brings back memories…_ "I remember when Jack and I took Wesley on his first camping trip to Balfour Lake. Wesley kept throwing manta leaves in the fire, watching them pop. Jack kept telling him – what?" she broke off as a sudden maelstrom of emotions emanated clearly from her companion.

_Nothing. It's nothing. _He hunched inward, cursing anew his inability to control his feelings when it came to the woman sitting beside him.

"Jean-Luc, I heard you. Don't push it away. When I said Jack and I, I felt this sudden wave of… something." _Envy. Yearning._ _Desire_. _Love. You love me. I didn't -_ "I didn't know you felt that way." _I never imagined…oh, Jean-Luc._

"Didn't you?" _How could you not?_

There was the slightest hint of reproach in his gaze that for a moment made her feel very small. "I…I guess I always knew there was –" _An interest? No, something stronger than that_… "An attraction between us, right from the start. But I never knew how strongly you felt."

_No, I made very sure of that. And I suppose it worked._ Jean-Luc smiled ruefully, turning his gaze to the fire. _Although, in some ways I wish it hadn't…Beverly. I've loved you for so long._

Suddenly she could feel the depth of his passion as almost a physical presence between them. Her heart stopped for an instant at the thought that this brilliant and extraordinary man had such intense feelings for her from the very start. It was flattering. And terrifying. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were in love with me?" she whispered.

_Why? How could I?_ "You were married to my best friend," he replied, trying to keep his voice as mild as possible, striving to prevent any hint of the envy he still felt after all these years from leaking through.

_Yes. Yes, I was._

He went on, "At first, I thought it was just harmless infatuation, something…hormonal rather than emotional."

_But it wasn't, was it. _"Then when the months went by and the three of us started spending more time together –" She trailed off.

Jean-Luc nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the flames before him lest he reveal more than he had already. "I realized it was something else." _It was real, true, love. For my best friend's wife._ "And it wasn't right." _Although it felt right. It has always felt_ _right._

He went on, confessing, "But…although I would never act on it I couldn't help what I felt." _I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen._ _I never wanted to hurt Jack, or you. Especially after he died. _He looked over at her then, willing her to understand.

But now her eyes were on the flames as she pondered the implications of his words. _I know. I know you didn't. You never would._ "But then when Jack died you felt guilty."

Jean-Luc shook his head, drawing a deep breath. "I felt guilty before he died." _Long before._

Beverly's eyes darted back to his face. _You did?_

_Yes. Terribly guilty. _"Having feelings like that for my best friend's wife." _It was wrong of me, but I couldn't help it._ "And then later, after the accident, I promised myself that I would never tell you how I felt. It would be like betraying my friend."

_Ah. I see._ Understanding dawned. "That's why you didn't want me on the _Enterprise_ seven years ago." _I'm sorry, Jean-Luc. I never realized how strongly you felt._

He nodded, his expression rueful. "I didn't know how I would react. And then, little by little, I realized that I…I didn't have those feelings any more. Twenty years is, after all, a long time." _And gradually I was able to let go of the guilt. It helped, realizing that you didn't blame me for Jack's death. If you did you'd never have taken the CMO position under my command._

_It is a long time. But look how far we've come together since then. How important we've become to each other._ "And now we're friends," she smiled, holding out a hand to him. Needing to emphasize the potent, vital connection between them in a physical way. _Best friends. You've been that to me for a long time now. And I'm very grateful for it._

Jean-Luc gripped her hand hard. "Yes, friends," he agreed. _Best friends. Always that. And I'm willing to settle for that. But I do still love you. I always will._

_He loves me – Jean-Luc, this amazing, extraordinary man. _She couldn't suppress a responding surge of emotion within her at the thought. _And I love him too. As a friend, and – as more?_ _I don't know, I don't know, I can't tell right now._ Beverly withdrew her hand from his as the silence between them began to grow strained. _I'm sorry, Jean-Luc_, she broadcast to him in her mind, not knowing if he could clearly distinguish the thought but unable to speak the words aloud. _I don't want to hurt you, but I don't know what I'm feeling right now._

She stood with a sigh, briefly holding her hands out to the fire in a reflexive attempt to warm them. "Well, we still have a lot of ground to cover tomorrow. We should get some sleep." _Please. I can't discuss this any more. Not now. Not tonight. It's too much…_

"Right," he agreed reluctantly, his keen gaze taking in her clasped hands, the long slender fingers nervously rubbing one another, and sensing from her mind an uneasy mixture of anxiety, uncertainty and fatigue. _I understand. I'm sorry I've upset you. I didn't mean to._

Slowly, feeling more self-conscious than she'd ever been in her life, Beverly circled the fire and lay down on her side, pillowing her head with one arm. She closed her eyes. _I need to rest. I need to be ready for tomorrow. But I'm afraid that sleep won't come easily tonight._

Jean-Luc waited until he sensed that she had composed herself, both emotionally and physically, before moving to join her. _Beverly._ _I regret that you found out this way, but I'm not sorry that you learned the truth. Since you joined the Enterprise I've grown to love you all over again, and I don't feel guilty about it any more._ _I resigned myself long ago to the reality that I could never have you as a partner in my life. That's why I tried to love the others – Vash, and Nella. Yet now that you know – might I dare hope that one day you could return my feelings?_ For a brief moment earlier, when their hands met, he'd sensed an unexpectedly warm, powerful emotion radiating towards him from his companion. _Tenderness?_ _Affection? Or, perhaps – something stronger? I wholeheartedly wish that I knew._

_Still, I cannot afford myself the luxury of contemplating that now. First I must get us safely home._

He lay down next to her on his back, sufficiently close to maintain their link but not so close as to enter her personal space, and rested his hands across his chest. Despite the enormity of what had just transpired between them, he forced his mind to empty – a discipline he'd developed not long after assuming his first command – and drifted off to sleep.

* * *

They were on the move as soon as dawn broke the next morning, heading for the border. But the mountainous terrain was rocky and unforgiving, and they made slow time. The weak sun was just reaching its peak in the sky when they slowed at a vantage point along a ridgeline. Looking back, Jean-Luc spotted two Prytt soldiers coming up behind them.

_You see them?_ he queried his companion. By now every thought was crystal clear between them.

_Yes._

_We need to move faster._

Beverly nodded. "Let's go."

They started down a narrow path that their rough map showed leading into a valley below.

Without warning a phaser blast fizzed between them, catching Picard and sending him flying head over heels down the steep slope.

_Jean-Luc! Are you all right? _Heedless of her own safety, Beverly ran headlong down the path to reach the place where he'd come to rest. _If he's hurt…_

Jean-Luc slid to a halt on his back. He could feel Beverly's fear for him surging through the link between them and hastened to reassure her. "I'm all right," he gritted as she helped haul him back to his feet. _I'm ok, I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Keep running!_

_You don't have to tell me twice!_

They ran.

* * *

They quickly made their way down the rest of the path and out into a wide meadow.

_It's too open_, Jean-Luc determined. _We're more vulnerable here. We must hurry._

They picked up their pace, but almost immediately slowed again as the air in front of them shimmered in a curtain of phosphorescent green light.

_A force field. It's so high – there's no way across. Damn._

They had reached the border. And it was impassible.

Their mutual dismay resonated across the link between them, but not for long.

_Options, we need options_. Jean-Luc cast his gaze around for something, anything that could help them cross the barrier. _There must be a way through!_

Beverly swiftly contemplated the shimmering field before them. _A force field is an energy barrier, so maybe I can try to disrupt it._ _"_I think I can use the tricorder to set up a multiphase pulse. That should weaken the field enough to let us through." _The tricorder's not made for this, but I have to try!_

Jean-Luc felt hope rise within him as she lifted the device and started to work. _Yes, you can do it. I know you can. But wait…that's not_ – "No, no. The modulation frequency is in the upper harmonic range."

_Yes, of course._ _The music lover would know that._ "Right."

Behind them he caught a flash of movement. Four Prytt troopers closing in on their position. "They're coming." _Hurry!_

_Don't look, _she told herself._ Focus. I can do this. I must._ "I'm working as fast as I can." Her fingers flew over the buttons.

Picard stood at her side, watchfully gazing over her shoulder for the oncoming soldiers. As a result he didn't see the small gap that suddenly arose in the force field directly behind him.

Beverly saw it appear, like a shining oasis in a desert. Without even taking time to think she reached out with her free hand and pushed her companion through the opening.

Jean-Luc stumbled from the unexpected push, quickly regained his balance and whirled back in the direction from which he'd come. Surprise and shock turned swiftly to dismay as he watched the slight gap in the force field shrink and then disappear altogether.

_I did it!_ Beverly's lips curved upward in silent triumph. _He's safe._ She could almost have levitated with relief. But before she could make another move, the Prytt troopers converged on her position.

Horror flooded Jean-Luc. _Beverly!_

Her head throbbed with the anguish of his mental cry. His visceral, primal fear for her cut through her like a knife.

_No!_ Jean-Luc's mind protested as he stared at the scene unfolding on the other side of the barrier. It was agony to watch helplessly as the four soldiers surrounded Beverly and gripped her arms tightly. She was only a few meters away from him, but they might as well have been light years apart. _This isn't right._ _It should be me. Beverly – I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you._

Beverly was unable to tear her eyes from Jean-Luc's. His fear for her was so strong she could almost taste it. But beneath the fear, running through it like a vein of gold through iron ore, she could sense another, even more powerful emotion emanating from him. His love, his passion for her. Shining and elemental. As immutable as granite and as unchanging as the stars. She held onto it like a lifeline.

One of the troopers spoke into his communicator. "Minister, we have the human female. The male is standing in Kes territory."

Beverly struggled reflexively against the hold of her captors, her eyes still fixed on Jean-Luc's. The need to go to him was overwhelming, instinctive. _I may never get to tell you_ –

_No! Don't fight them!_ he willed her as forcefully as he could. _Don't let them hurt you._

She relaxed, recognizing the wisdom of the command. _Ok, ok, I won't._

Suddenly the tenor of his feelings changed dramatically – she could detect a steely resolve flowing through the link between them. _I'll come for you, Beverly. I'll get you back._

His determination, implacable as a stone mountain, washed over her, bringing reassurance and comfort. She drew strength from his presence while she could. _I know you will. I trust you, Jean-Luc. I always have._

He felt it then. Love. Intense, burning love. Smoldering deep beneath the surface, but there nonetheless. The same emotion he felt for her, that he'd felt for her for over twenty years.

Then, without warning, the transporter beam carried them both away.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: And now for the sad chapter. My stories rarely stray far from canon, and this will be no exception. However, stay tuned for my forthcoming story 'The Path Not Taken' for Jean-Luc and Beverly's well-deserved happy ending.

* * *

The familiar environment of the _Enterprise_ transporter room materialized around them.

_We're home._

_We're safe._

They stared at one another in relief, and acute awareness of the potent, overpowering emotions that had surged through them seconds before.

_Jean-Luc –_

_Beverly –_

At that instant the transporter room door hissed open and Commander Riker strode in. "Welcome back," he greeted them, a broad smile creasing his face. "I was beginning to think we were never going to get you out of there."

He paused as he took in the deadly somber, intense looks on his friends' faces as they still held one another's gaze. "Are you all right?" he asked with concern, looking from one to the other.

Jean-Luc was the first to break eye contact, turning to his second-in-command. He straightened his shoulders and took a deep breath. _Yes. We are now._

_Back to being the Captain,_ Beverly thought as she watched him tug down the hem of his dusty uniform top and step smartly off the transporter dais.

"Yes, Number One, we're fine," Jean-Luc assured Riker. He turned back to give Beverly a hand down beside him. _We'll get back to this later_. He gave her fingers a surreptitious squeeze before releasing them.

_All right._ She nodded, trying to mask her relief. She needed time to process things. To think_._ So much had just passed between them, and the barrage of thoughts – of emotions – was still too fresh, too raw, to fully comprehend. _Let's get these implants out before we do anything else._

_Agreed._ "Report, Number One."

Riker's report lasted the length of the journey to deck 12, long enough to restore Beverly's equilibrium and some of her good humor.

"Mauric is determined to take his protest to the Federation Council, but I don't think he'll get very far," he continued as they passed though the corridors on their way towards sickbay.

Jean-Luc nodded. "I tend to agree, Number One."

_I wonder what he'll do when the Council tells him to jump off the nearest cliff_, Beverly thought sardonically.

After all they had just endured it was a pleasant, if somewhat childish, thought. They glanced at each other and couldn't help chuckling like naughty schoolkids.

Behind them, Riker frowned. "Did I miss something?"

_You know,_ Beverly considered impishly, _we might not want to remove the implants after all. We could have a lot of fun with this. It would only be fair after all the pranks Will's played on us over the years._

Picard smiled broadly, enjoying the idea. "Of course. Of course. You're absolutely right."

* * *

They had both dressed for dinner. He in the soft grey shirt that he knew she admired, she in a stunning dress that he'd never seen before but took his breath away the moment she stepped into his quarters. There had been no prior arrangement, only an unspoken acknowledgement that what had just happened down on the planet below had been momentous for both of them.

"That was wonderful, " Beverly said as she finished her meal and set her napkin on the table. Candles burned around the room, adding a warm ambience to the evening. _He's excelled himself tonight._

"My pleasure." He feasted his eyes on her. _You're so beautiful. Even when you're running from enemy soldiers after a night spent sleeping on open ground. And tonight – your hair, that dress – you're lovelier than ever. _Discarding his own napkin, he got up and rounded the table, sweeping up a decanter and two small glasses as he made his way towards the sitting area.

_I'm so happy to be back to normal._ "Don't get me wrong, Jean-Luc, but I'm glad we're not joined at the hip any longer."

_I'm not. I'd rather spend ten minutes with you than two weeks with anyone else. But I suppose that isn't a diplomatic response._ "So, were you getting tired of my company?" he asked as he began to pour a cognac from his family's estate into the glasses.

_No. Never that. But I was_… "Just tired of bumping into you every thirty seconds." She rose and sauntered over to him, accepting the glass that he proffered. "I was beginning to feel as if you were part of my uniform."

Apparently they were viewing their recent experience rather differently, Jean-Luc reflected with a rueful smile. Whereas she seemed to see it as an imposition, an irritation to be forgotten as quickly as possible, he'd perceived it as a privilege. Having such an intimate connection to the woman he loved – even under such duress – had been one of the greatest gifts of his life, and he missed it more than he thought possible.

_Ah, well._ He poured out his own glass. She stood watching him silently as he lifted it in a toast. "To freedom." _From the implants, and from the Prytt._ He shuddered to think what might have happened had they not been whisked away by the transporter in the nick of time – what lengths he might have gone to in order to get her safely back.

They clinked glasses. "Freedom," she echoed.

They drank together, holding each other's eyes for a long moment before breaking contact and sitting down opposite one another.

Jean-Luc sat back and contemplated his cognac with a sigh. _I wish I knew what she's thinking now. It seems strange to only have one set of thoughts in my head._

_He looks pensive all of a sudden. I wonder what's bothering him._ "Penny for your thoughts?"

"I was just thinking, that as distracting as it was, I was beginning to get used to hearing your thoughts and I find that I miss it." He could safely admit that much. _I can't tell you the rest, that to have had the privilege of knowing your innermost thoughts and feelings for a time was something I'll cherish for the rest of my life._

"So do I. It was very intimate." _Almost too intimate, at times. And yet it was fascinating to learn so much about you – your thoughts, your feelings, even your dreams. Which reminds me…_ "You know, last night I couldn't sleep."

"Oh?" he asked warily as he contemplated her impish expression.

She nodded and leaned forward, her eyes coy. _Jean-Luc, you're so easy to tease._ "I was awake for several hours. And thanks to the implants, I got to hear some very interesting dreams of yours."

_Oh, no. I have no idea what they were. I wish I could remember. Nothing too embarrassing, I hope._ "A man can't be held responsible for what his mind does while he's asleep."

_No, I suppose not. But Jean-Luc, what you told me yesterday, what I learned from your mind – you said you were never going to tell me you've been in love with me all this time. But now that I know, where do we go from here? _"What about when he's awake?" She set her glass on the table, her clear blue eyes holding his.

Jean-Luc's face brightened. _At last._ _This is the opportunity I've been waiting for. _He slid to the edge of his seat, reaching out for her hand, and was gratified when she gave it to him without reluctance or pause. "So now that we've had this unique experience, what do we do?"

Even as he said the words, trying to restrain his eagerness as he leaned towards her, she felt an underlying hesitation in her own heart. Something that was holding her back, preventing her from taking that final step towards a romantic relationship with this man who, she was finally being forced to acknowledge, meant far more to her than just a friend. Needing to understand what it was, she tried to stall for time. "What do you mean?"

He struggled to mask his disappointment at her abrupt change in mood. _Beverly, it isn't like you to be capricious._ "You know exactly what I mean."

"No, I don't. The implant's been removed, remember?" She was being deliberately obtuse, and both of them knew it.

_I love you, Beverly. And now I know that you love me, too._ _There can be no denying it – we both felt it as surely as if you'd spoken it aloud._ He got slowly to his feet, moving to sit beside her, folding her hand gently in both of his. "Now that we know how each of us feels, perhaps we should not be afraid to explore those feelings." His voice was hoarse with barely suppressed emotion. _Please don't push me away now. Let me share my life with you. Let me love you as you deserve to be loved._

_Afraid._ Yes, that was it. The realization brought her up as abruptly as if she'd been doused with ice water. _I'm afraid. As you should be, too, Jean-Luc. We both should be._

She leaned forward and kissed him tenderly, lingeringly, on the cheek. An apology in advance for what she was about to say. "Or perhaps we should be afraid," she whispered. Her mind reeled with the possibilities. _We've both been alone for so long, and we're set in our ways. What if we can't accommodate one another? What if the fantasies you've had about me for the past twenty years are too different from the reality? If things go wrong we could lose our friendship. We could lose more than that. We're Starfleet officers on the front lines. How many times have I patched you back together? How many times have you nearly died? I thought you'd been killed down on Dessica II just a few short weeks ago. And I should give you my heart and then lose you, like I lost Jack? I can't, Jean-Luc. I simply can't._

It was agonizing to sit silently and watch the hopeful expression in his eyes die, but the fear paralyzed her.

_It would be so easy to lose my heart to you, Jean-Luc. To give in to the feelings that we both know we share. But it's too much. I can't risk it. I should go, before I hurt you any more. _"I think I should be going now," she said very softly. Her hand still rested on his chest. _Before I lose my resolve._

He nodded, then leaned in and touched his lips to hers. It was a brief, chaste meeting of mouths, a wordless acceptance of her wishes, and the sadness in the gesture nearly broke her.

_I can't do this. Not now. I have to go._

He released her hand and she stood quickly, setting her glass on the dining table, hearing him pass behind her and activate the door mechanism.

She halted on her way past, unable to stop herself from turning towards him, then having to harden her heart once more against his rueful gaze.

For an instant they swayed almost imperceptibly towards each other and it took every ounce of self-control Jean-Luc possessed not to take her in his arms and kiss her. To show her the depths of his passion and try to touch a chord of response within her. He wanted her with every fiber of his being. _Beverly._ _You have always held my heart. __It is forever yours, even if yours will never be mine._

"Goodnight." _I have to do this. I have to be strong, for both our sakes. I know this is hurting you, but one day you'll understand this is the best thing for both of us._

"Goodnight." _I'll wait for you, my love. Just as I've always waited._

She strode through the doorway without looking back.

The door slid shut behind her with a sickening note of finality. _What have I done? What if there's no going back?_ Stricken, Beverly stopped in her tracks. _What if I lose him entirely? I couldn't bear that._ Almost involuntarily her head turned back towards the door.

_But no, I know him better than that. Right now he's disappointed, but on some level he'll understand. I know he will. He's my best friend, and he knows me so well. I won't lose him over this._

Feeling sufficiently reassured, she turned away again and glided down the corridor towards her quarters.

* * *

For long moments Jean-Luc waited in his starlit cabin, hoping against hope that she would change her mind, that he would hear the door chime and open it to find her standing there before him. _But I know it's not to be. Not tonight._

_Later, perhaps, when we've found some distance from everything that's happened, you'll come to realize that what we can gain by allowing ourselves to love each other is far greater than any threat of loss. _

He strode slowly across the room, a room that seemed impossibly empty without her in it.

_I refuse to lose hope. I'll continue to believe that one day you'll appreciate, as I have, that some risks are worth taking._

He slowly leaned over and one by one blew out the candles on the table, leaving the room in darkness.

_Goodnight, mon coeur._

* * *

_A solitude ten thousand fathoms deep_

_Sustains the bed on which we lie, my dear_

_Although I love you, you will have to leap_

_Our dream of safety has to disappear._

\- W.H. Auden

FIN


End file.
